Let me begin by saying you’re doing great! If you’re searching for ways to help your kid(s) get the sleep they need, you are already prioritizing your child’s health and wellbeing, along with your own. Way to go! If you’re swimming through space and time, hopelessly scouring the internet for some answers to your sleep questions, you’re in good company! The struggle is real, and widespread. And finding clear and helpful advice can be daunting, to say the least.

Let me follow that right up by saying I feel weird about sleep advice and parenting advice in general. No one knows your child like you do. And no two sleepers are the same. My daughter, for instance, was a great napper and terrible night-time sleeper. In pursuit of the elusive full-night’s sleep, my partner and I would eventually find ourselves deep in the comments of dubious sleep blogs, desperately trying to pin down what normal sleep looked like. When we realized sleep was less a thing to achieve and more a thing to practice, night after night, it all became much easier.

All that to say, it can be helpful to hear what the people who study sleep in young children are saying. It can also be helpful to hear how other parents have struggled and found sleep success. At least it was for me.

Here are a bunch of questions I have asked myself (and the internet) that other parents like me have probably asked themselves too. You’ll also see what smart people said about kids and sleep interspersed with my hazy recollections of five and a half years of parenthood.

 Bottom line: you will sleep again.

How do I get my child to sleep?
Is there a way to get my child to sleep? Toddler to sleep? Baby to sleep? Please??

All good questions. And they can lead you in a number of directions. Parents of infants sometimes swear by the Ferber Method aka “Graduated Extinction” (you let the baby cry it out for small periods). For others, the Weissbluth Method aka “Extinction” (you let the baby cry for longer periods) works best. We found Alexis Dubief’s ideas both helpful and humanizing.

 There are countless other approaches. But as diverse and sometimes conflicting as they may to be, there is a throughline in just about every piece of sleep training advice: establish a pattern.

 It sounds too simple, and there are certainly many variations on the theme, but that’s the gist.

What is a bedtime routine?
Do bedtime routines work? How do bedtime routines work? Is this a sick joke?

A bedtime routine is a pattern you follow to bed. It’s regular. It’s consistent. It’s really nice. For you and your child, apparently. It helps your young kids and grown adults wind down by letting them know what to expect (I’ve thought of it working like a less-sinister version of that slobbering dog experiment or the opposite of a Hitchcock movie). Even if you don’t consider yourself a “routine person” like I didn’t, you might eventually find yourself deliriously grasping at any semblance of stability, like I did. From what I can tell, up-all-night kids feel the same way.

And sleep scientists say routines work, often within a few nights! To be honest I can’t remember when it clicked, but when we found a pattern that worked, we never looked back. This is important: we kept our routine up even when sleep regressions hit, and the magic seemed all but lost. It wasn’t lost, it just turned out to be a little (terrifying) reset.

How do bedtime routines help?
What are the benefits of bedtime routines? Why bother? How can I get my child to sleep through the night?

If it isn’t already clear, I’m no scientist. But plenty of people who are scientists also say sleep is important, and bedtime routines can do all sorts of good for your kid’s wellbeing. Some broad categories of goodness:

instills confidence—you’ve got this, you can fall asleep on your own

heightens security—you know what to expect, you know we’ll keep you safe

fosters bonding—this is time just for us

How do you make a bedtime routine?
What’s a good bedtime routine? How do I start a routine? Is there some kind of nighttime sleep routine template?

It’s actually not too hard. It can be simple. You just have to pick three or more things to do every night in the same order before bed.

The nice thing is, it’s less about what you do or the order that you set and more that there is a consistent order. That said, calming activities are obviously going to get you there faster. Here are some potential steps to set in your routine:

hygiene

take a bath

brush teeth

put on a fresh diaper/PJs

put on lotion

soothing

turn on soft music

sing a lullaby

cuddle

massage with lavender oil

connecting

talking about the day

reading a book

thinking and talking and wondering

Any bedtime routine tips?
Nighttime routine do’s and don’ts? What am I doing wrong? Trick my kid to sleep?

Some little things to that helped us that we stole from the internet at some point:

Make a picture schedule

Print photos of your kid doing every step of the routine and assemble the pics into a step-by-step visual list, so they can literally teach themselves to do it.

Do it every single night

And if you’re traveling, recreate the production as best you can.

Dim them lights

Turn off lights, ideally in stages (dim for bath time, dimmer for story time, lights out for sleep) and keep a nightlight if your kiddo wants/needs one.

Play dreamy tunes

Calming background music helped my daughter wind down as a toddler, and there are a handful of songs that will always make me tired now.

Make a handoff

When you lean in for the last kiss goodnight, offer a stuffed animal or a cozy blanket in your place.

Keep it cool

Or warm, to avoid the night sweat/shiver wakeup.

Mix it up

What?! You just spent this whole article saying not to do that! I know, but once you feel like the pattern is fully set you can add or replace things they’ve outgrown. Your child will let you know, one way or another.

Don’t give up

You’ll have steps backwards. Bad nights or weeks that seem to come out of nowhere and make you question everything. Remember: your routine is your friend.

For those of you here for a template, here’s the routine we use with our five-year-old.

• Step one: take a bath

• Step two: have a snack (like her father, our daughter sleeps best after some carbohydrates)

• Step three: read a book (or three)

• Step four: brush teeth

• Step five: read another (this time only one! Or, okay, two, but that’s it!)

• Step six: spray “dream drops” (this concoction came to us via preschool: a few drops of lavender essential oil in water, guarantees good dreams or at least a nice-smelling pillow)

• Step seven: turn out the lights (turn on the nightlight!)

And then, the miracle happens: most of the time, barring illness or injury, I don’t see my daughter again until the morning. In my bleariest sleep-deprived days, I never would have believed such a thing was possible. But, through the magic of a solid bedtime routine, it happened for me. And it can for you, too! I promise.

Wishing you the best of sleep.

 Tony Bologna